Journal Journeys

I had been meaning to share some stuff from journals but haven't had time online, so here's some catching up. The first one is just so you can see how wonderfully God came through for me.

October 4, 2010

Jesus... Where would you have me? You know I hate making decisions; please don't leave it up to me!... Do I stay on in this country?... Do I go back to the U.S.? What there? Where? What about ethno-arts? Lord, the possibilities seem fairly endless, and I could all too quickly get overwhelmed or go crazy thinking about and evaluating them. You are my Creator, my Husband, my Builder. As my Husband, lead me. Be the initiator. As my Creator and Builder, build/create my plans for a future of hope.

Boy has He ever responded loving and tenderly and BIG!

The theme of my 33rd year has been the cross. It is an area seriously under-understood by me. On October 8 I was on week 7 ("The Suffering of Christ") of the 8-week prayer guide I mentioned in a September post. After following/seeking Jesus for over 25 years, it seems I should have encountered the cross by now. But this was the first time (I think!) that I encountered the cross in a real, personal way. I wish it hadn't taken this long. Sharing excerpts from my journal that day:

If it was for me only, would you still have done it? Lived on earth, suffered torture and died like you did?
As I pondered it, struggled to activate my imagination at the cross, the question morphed into: Would it have been necessary? If it was only me? Would that sacrifice have been necessary? Ugly, ugly question, exposing the state of my sin and the attitude of my heart! Surely not all that would have been needed? Is my sin so great? Maybe death, but all that torture?
"The life is in the blood."
"Blood poured out."
Even crucifixion alone would not have produced much blood, would it? The life is in the blood. That was how sacrifices worked--the blood poured out. My very nature is sin, thanks to Adam and Eve, my very own ancestors, my great, great, great x? (not-so-great, nor so grand) grandparents. You set before us life and death, and of course we choose death. Yes, you had to die and rise again to break the power of death if I am to to be able to live in a holy place forever! And with a Holy God.... Thank you for paying my ransom! That terribly costly price for my freedom--even for the freedom to accept that I am a sinner, that I am in need of a Savior....
As far as the east is from the west
so far have you moved my sin from me
stretched out on that cross
your hands that flung stars into space
flung my wrongs, my sin
beyond the grasp of any being,
mortal or immortal,
visible or invisible
never to return again.
never to be retrieved.
I am free! I am free!
Jesus, come dance with me.
"Some Place East of the River"
"O Amazing"